Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Dr. Alan Zimmerman's Comments:
Sooner or later, everyone you know will disappoint you in some way.
They'll say something or fail to say something that will hurt you.
And they'll do something or fail to do something that will anger you.
It's inevitable.
Unfortunately, you make things worse when you stew over someone's words and deeds.
When you dwell on a rude remark or an insensitive action made by another person,
you're headed for deeper problems.
In fact, the more you dwell on these things, the more bitter you'll get.
You'll find your joy, peace and happiness slipping away.
And you'll find your productivity slowing down as you spend more and more time thinking about the slight or telling others about it.
Eventually, if you don't stop doing it, you'll even get sick.
So what should you do the next time someone betrays you?
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR FEELINGS.
Even though the other person may be at fault,
even though the other person wronged you,
you are still responsible for your own feelings.
In other words, other people do not "cause" your feelings.
You choose them.
For example, two different people could be told that their suggestions made at the staff meeting were "stupid and idiotic."
One person may "choose" to feel so hurt that he never speaks up at any other meeting again.
The other person may "choose" to feel sorry for the critic, sorry that the critic couldn't see the wisdom and necessity of her suggestions.
As long as you blame other people for your feelings, as long as you believe other people caused your feelings, you're stuck.
You're a helpless victim.
But if you recognize the fact that you choose your feelings and you are responsible for your feelings, there's hope.
You can take some time to think about your feelings. And you can decide what is the best thing to say or do.
Then, you've got to learn to WALK AWAY FROM DISAPPOINTMENT.
It's difficult to do, but it's possible.
The famous 19th century Scottish historian, Thomas Carlyle, proved that.
After working on his multi-volume set of books on "The French Revolution" for six years,
Carlyle completed the manuscript and took volume one to his friend John Stuart Mill.
He asked Mill to read it.
Five days later, Mill's maid accidentally threw the manuscript into the fire.
In agony, Mill went to Carlyle's house to tell him that his work had been destroyed.
Carlyle did not flinch. With a smile, he said,
"That's all right, Mill. These things happen. It is a part of life. I will start over. I can remember most of it, I am sure. Don't worry. It's all here in my mind. Go,my friend! Do not feel bad."
As Mill left, Carlyle watched him from the window.
Carlyle turned to his wife and said, "I did not want him to see how crushed I am by this misfortune."
And with a heavy sigh, he added, "Well the manuscript is gone, so I had better start writing again."
Carlyle finally completed the work, which ranks as one of the great classics of all time.
He had learned to walk away from his disappointment.
After all, what could Carlyle have done about his burnt manuscript?
Nothing. Nothing would have resurrected the manuscript.
All Carlyle could do was to get bitter or get started.
And what can you do about anything once it is over? Not much.
You can try to correct it if it is possible, or you can walk away from it if it isn't.
Those are your only two choices.
Sometimes you've just got to shake it off and step up.
It's like the farmer who had an old mule who fell into a deep dry well.
As he assessed the situation, he knew it would be difficult, if not impossible, to lift the heavy mule out of the deep well.
So the farmer decided to bury the mule in the well.
After all, the mule was old and the well was dry, so he could solve two problems at once.
He could put the old mule out of his misery and have his well filled.
The farmer asked his neighbours to help him with the shovelling. To work they went.
As they threw shovel-full of dirt after shovel-full of dirt on the mule's back, the mule became frightened.
Then all of a sudden an idea came to the mule.
Each time they would throw a shovel-full of dirt on his back, he would shake it off and step up.
Shovel-full after shovel-full, the mule would shake it off and step up.
In not too long a time, the exhausted and dirty mule stepped over the top of the well and through the crowd.
That's the same approach we all need to take. We need to shake it off and step up.
Finally, you need to FORGIVE. It's difficult, especially when the other person doesn't deserve your forgiveness or doesn't even seek it.
It's difficult when the other person is clearly in the wrong.
Part of the difficulty comes from a common misunderstanding of forgiveness.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that the other person's behaviour is okay.
And forgiveness doesn't mean that the other person is off the hook.
He's still responsible for his misbehaviour.
Forgiveness is about letting yourself off the emotional hook.
It's about releasing your negative emotions, attitudes, and behaviours.
It's about letting go of the past so you can go forward to the future.
Everyone in your life, everyone on and off the job is going to disappoint you.
If you know how to respond to those situations, you'll be way ahead of most people.
You'll be able to live above and beyond your circumstances.
Action: Identify two people that have disappointed, hurt, or angered you.
If possible, select two people towards whom you still have some bitterness.
Then ask yourself, "How does my bitterness serve me?
Am I happier holding on to it?
Do I sleep better?
Is my life richer, fuller, and better because of my bitterness?"
If you find that your bitterness is hurting you, make a decision.
Actually decide to let it go. Walk away from the disappointment -- which means you no longer dwell on it or talk about it. Period!
They'll say something or fail to say something that will hurt you.
And they'll do something or fail to do something that will anger you.
It's inevitable.
Unfortunately, you make things worse when you stew over someone's words and deeds.
When you dwell on a rude remark or an insensitive action made by another person,
you're headed for deeper problems.
In fact, the more you dwell on these things, the more bitter you'll get.
You'll find your joy, peace and happiness slipping away.
And you'll find your productivity slowing down as you spend more and more time thinking about the slight or telling others about it.
Eventually, if you don't stop doing it, you'll even get sick.
So what should you do the next time someone betrays you?
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR FEELINGS.
Even though the other person may be at fault,
even though the other person wronged you,
you are still responsible for your own feelings.
In other words, other people do not "cause" your feelings.
You choose them.
For example, two different people could be told that their suggestions made at the staff meeting were "stupid and idiotic."
One person may "choose" to feel so hurt that he never speaks up at any other meeting again.
The other person may "choose" to feel sorry for the critic, sorry that the critic couldn't see the wisdom and necessity of her suggestions.
As long as you blame other people for your feelings, as long as you believe other people caused your feelings, you're stuck.
You're a helpless victim.
But if you recognize the fact that you choose your feelings and you are responsible for your feelings, there's hope.
You can take some time to think about your feelings. And you can decide what is the best thing to say or do.
Then, you've got to learn to WALK AWAY FROM DISAPPOINTMENT.
It's difficult to do, but it's possible.
The famous 19th century Scottish historian, Thomas Carlyle, proved that.
After working on his multi-volume set of books on "The French Revolution" for six years,
Carlyle completed the manuscript and took volume one to his friend John Stuart Mill.
He asked Mill to read it.
Five days later, Mill's maid accidentally threw the manuscript into the fire.
In agony, Mill went to Carlyle's house to tell him that his work had been destroyed.
Carlyle did not flinch. With a smile, he said,
"That's all right, Mill. These things happen. It is a part of life. I will start over. I can remember most of it, I am sure. Don't worry. It's all here in my mind. Go,my friend! Do not feel bad."
As Mill left, Carlyle watched him from the window.
Carlyle turned to his wife and said, "I did not want him to see how crushed I am by this misfortune."
And with a heavy sigh, he added, "Well the manuscript is gone, so I had better start writing again."
Carlyle finally completed the work, which ranks as one of the great classics of all time.
He had learned to walk away from his disappointment.
After all, what could Carlyle have done about his burnt manuscript?
Nothing. Nothing would have resurrected the manuscript.
All Carlyle could do was to get bitter or get started.
And what can you do about anything once it is over? Not much.
You can try to correct it if it is possible, or you can walk away from it if it isn't.
Those are your only two choices.
Sometimes you've just got to shake it off and step up.
It's like the farmer who had an old mule who fell into a deep dry well.
As he assessed the situation, he knew it would be difficult, if not impossible, to lift the heavy mule out of the deep well.
So the farmer decided to bury the mule in the well.
After all, the mule was old and the well was dry, so he could solve two problems at once.
He could put the old mule out of his misery and have his well filled.
The farmer asked his neighbours to help him with the shovelling. To work they went.
As they threw shovel-full of dirt after shovel-full of dirt on the mule's back, the mule became frightened.
Then all of a sudden an idea came to the mule.
Each time they would throw a shovel-full of dirt on his back, he would shake it off and step up.
Shovel-full after shovel-full, the mule would shake it off and step up.
In not too long a time, the exhausted and dirty mule stepped over the top of the well and through the crowd.
That's the same approach we all need to take. We need to shake it off and step up.
Finally, you need to FORGIVE. It's difficult, especially when the other person doesn't deserve your forgiveness or doesn't even seek it.
It's difficult when the other person is clearly in the wrong.
Part of the difficulty comes from a common misunderstanding of forgiveness.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that the other person's behaviour is okay.
And forgiveness doesn't mean that the other person is off the hook.
He's still responsible for his misbehaviour.
Forgiveness is about letting yourself off the emotional hook.
It's about releasing your negative emotions, attitudes, and behaviours.
It's about letting go of the past so you can go forward to the future.
Everyone in your life, everyone on and off the job is going to disappoint you.
If you know how to respond to those situations, you'll be way ahead of most people.
You'll be able to live above and beyond your circumstances.
Action: Identify two people that have disappointed, hurt, or angered you.
If possible, select two people towards whom you still have some bitterness.
Then ask yourself, "How does my bitterness serve me?
Am I happier holding on to it?
Do I sleep better?
Is my life richer, fuller, and better because of my bitterness?"
If you find that your bitterness is hurting you, make a decision.
Actually decide to let it go. Walk away from the disappointment -- which means you no longer dwell on it or talk about it. Period!
Room for Friends
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box ofsand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided,"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, yourhealth, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still befull.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job,your house and your car.
The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued,"there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, yourhealth, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still befull.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job,your house and your car.
The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued,"there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
THE BRICK
A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?" The young boy was apologetic. "Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do," He pleaded. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop..." With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother, "he said "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."
Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. "Thank you and may God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy! push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.
It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: "Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!" God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not.
Thought for the Day:
If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.
He sends you flowers every spring.
He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!
Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. "Thank you and may God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy! push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.
It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: "Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!" God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not.
Thought for the Day:
If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.
He sends you flowers every spring.
He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!
Diary of true Heroine
A Diary Entry of a True Heroine who saved 1600 lives.... Four times in a single day. Read till end.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all
my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.
DEAR DIARY .. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffleboarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino . did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and cha mpagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today . . .four times !!!!
DEAR DIARY ... DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all
my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.
DEAR DIARY .. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffleboarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino . did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and cha mpagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today . . .four times !!!!
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